imagine if you would waking up to being totally unable to recall yourself, who you are, your most cherished memories. you cant even make sense of basic concepts, like what a bed is, electric lights, so on and so forth. total dementia. it sounds like quite possibly the most horrific fate a person could suffer from, truly. the inability to even recall who you are as a person, to summon forth the cognizians to recognize your family, friends, lovers, it seems terrifying. this isnt even mentioning the utter state of confusion and horror of the unknown one would face during this horrible experience, up to the point of death. i normally try not to think about this very much, but unfortunately, i was harshly reminded of this terror by way of reading a fanfiction, as cringey as it is. i blame a specific board of 4chan for showing it to me (you know who you are, stay away from horse stables, you freaks.), but i know that wouldnt be fair as i went looking for it specifically on recommendation of someone else (you too, youre not allowed near horses either.). regardless of the cause, i am genuinely horrified at the prospect of...contracting(?), developing(?) dementia.
there is almost no worse mental affliction in my opinion, and it couples with another recently (last 3 or so years) developed fear of mine: the fear of dying alone. a lot of people are always like "but pup! everyone dies alone!", to which i say: yea, but i want to go out nuzzling the neck of someone i love, or holding someones hand. when you were a child, did scary things not seem so scary when you had friends? same exact concept, just on a more...permanent scale. death is inevitable, but noone should have to go into that howling darkness terrified and alone. to do so seems exceptionally cruel, and quite honestly makes me want to cry thinking of it. i also often worry that it would take months for my body to be found if i were to pass unexpectedly, as alone in death as i am in life. i would give much just to be held, reassured, loved; through life, death, purgatory, and beyond. through my faults, virtues, anger, fear, and dreams. like anyone wants, like anyone deserves.